In much of my experience, weddings are occasions where the church is being used for a commercial transaction and not for a faith based covenanting ceremony. As a member of the clergy, I am too often asked to be a servant of the couple and not a servant of God.
When a couple decides to be wed, much is at stake. Huge dollars go out to pay for a wedding. There are megabucks to be spent on a dress, on a reception hall, rings, invitations, food, a rehearsal dinner, flowers, etc. etc. There is that fairy-tale event to plan amidst the family politics, differing ideas of parents and their adult children, distances between participants. There are many people, their calendars, and their whims to choreograph into this big event.
The couple chooses a date, buys rings, and books a reception hall before they ever contact the church or the clergy. Many couples shop around to find the church that is the prettiest, has the largest seating capacity, or is most convenient for the family. For many couples, the church is business to be transacted only after the "more expensive things" have been booked. And couples (or their parents) get very upset when a church is not available on the date they choose. Or if the church is not open to their renting the building and bringing in their own officiant. Or if there are premarital counseling sessions required by the clergy. And especially if there are conditions the couple must meet to be wed in the church.
A lot of planning goes into a wedding. But little thought goes into the marriage itself. When a couple comes before me to be wed, I want it to be a faith based decision, a faithful covenant they are making, and a worship service of integrity in which these commitments are made. I want to be sure the couple has the communication skills and a solid foundation in relationship building before they make those promises. In a worship setting, the focus should be on God. In a marriage, the relationship is a three-some -- the couple plus God.
Too often, the couple who asks me to marry them wants a fairy-tale transaction where there is a princess for the day, where everyone is in costume, where each plays a role as if on stage, and anything less than perfection is deemed to ruin the special day. More energy -- and finance -- is put into the production than into planning for what happens after the honeymoon. Too many couples have said to me that if the relationship doesn't work out, they'll just go their separate ways. That's the point at which I would like to cancel the transaction.
But, if that couple has a church membership (or is the grandchild or relative of someone who has a church membership), saying "No, I will not officiate at this wedding" can and too often does, lead to employment issues for the clergy person. There could be openly known abuse in the relationship and still a major issue will be made about the pastor who refuses to marry them.
Weddings have become secular rituals. And clergy have been made into agents of the state. It is the state who issues a "license" to marry which is necessary if one wishes for marital "rights" within the state or federal laws. In other countries, the legal contract of marriage (and it is a "contract" even within the USA) is handled in the court house. The couple goes to the legal authorities to have their relationship made official. They then go to the church -- if they so desire -- for the blessing of that relationship and for making their faith covenant to one another in the presence of God and a congregation of faith. I have no desire to be an agent of the state; I am a shepherd of those who seek to be faithful (a little like herding cats most of the time).
So long as these conditions are present in a wedding, I am being used for a secular purpose; I am not doing ministry. I am serving a couple, not God.
A funeral, on the other hand, is an opportunity to care for people, to provide a ministry, and to support the faith of those who are in doubt. The family of the deceased are not trying to create a stage production, do not shop around for the best price or the longest aisle, and turn to the faith community for support not service. They don't spend a year perseverating upon the planning of the details of the funeral. They don't spend thousands of dollars upon clothing, food, and other cosmetic and temporal details. They are people at a loss who seek closure and comfort, not performance and perfection.
No one questions why a funeral is planned with religious integrity. There is no legal role for the officiant of a funeral to play. There is no staging about which to argue, no rehearsal to choreograph, no extravagant reception to distract from the purpose. The focus is faith based. In a funeral, I am doing that to which I am called and for which I was ordained: Ministry.
You nailed it. Well done.
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