The Real Threat to Traditional Marriage?

A couple of days ago, President Obama announced that his position on same gender marriage had evolved to one of acceptance of equal marriage rights.  Immediately the blasts came from all corners about this position. Prophesies about the "war on traditional marriage" fill the airwaves and the internet. And I have difficulty understanding this perspective. Has anyone looked at the state of marriage in this country lately?  Have you seen the statistics about divorce?  Really, if there is any threat to "traditional marriage" it is having a nonchalant attitude toward the permanence of the marriage relationship. 

Divorce rates are high.  Some should never have happened to begin with (see my previous post).  I understand why some marriages don't last.    Infidelity happens. People change.  I get that.  There are those who work hard to repair a relationship and just can't work it out for what ever reason.  We are all human and we fail at the perfection test.  

But, there are those who don't try to work at their relationships.  Specifically, I'm referring to those -- particularly certain public figures -- have been through many marriages that have ended in "irreconcilable differences." Is the pattern not obvious to these people?  If at first you don't succeed, learn something from your failure and get it right the next time.  I can't speak from experience here, I admit.  I just seems to me that if a certain celebrity newscaster has been through four failed marriages that there has to be something else going on besides "irreconcilable differences."  I'm just saying....

From this outsider's point of view, it would seem that to these people marriage is viewed as a disposable relationship. "If it doesn't work out MY way, I'll just walk away and pay the lawyers to get me a huge settlement" seems to be the sentiment of all together too many people. Yet certain, more public of these people seem to have the most to say about what threatens "traditional marriage."  Frankly, I feel they have no ground upon which to stand in this conversation. If they can't figure out how to preserve their own marriages, how can they make healthy judgements about what is a threat to "traditional marriage." 

For many, marriage isn't even in the vocabulary.  "Lets live together, raise children together, and avoid all the complications of marriage."  And really, who can blame them given the painful experience they had as children of divorce with one parent playing the kids against the other parent, using them as pawns to hurt the other, or even hurting the children as a means to get back at the other parent.  Without the commitment to permanence there is no marriage, let alone "traditional marriage."

So, with all the concern expressed about the fate of traditional "marriage," here is my response

.

If you want to preserve marriage, start with your own -- do you communicate well, negotiate differences fairly, treat one another with respect and dignity, and act as though you plan to spend your lives together, or are you in the marriage only until things feel uncomfortable? And, if you're concerned upon the effect a marriage has on family values, start in the same place -- practice these same values so your children will learn them and have strong marriages themselves. 

When I posted the first draft of these thoughts on my Facebook page, I started a firestorm of comments from my friends and relatives who have been through divorces and perhaps felt targeted by my comments about divorce.  I hope this clarifies from where I'm coming.  

To Wed or to Bury?

Most pastors would admit that they'd rather do a funeral than a wedding.  People ask why this is so.  Let me tell you my perspective.  

In much of my experience, weddings are occasions where the church is being used for a commercial transaction and not for a faith based covenanting ceremony.  As a member of the clergy, I am too often asked to be a servant of the couple and not a servant of God. 

When a couple decides to be wed, much is at stake.  Huge dollars go out to pay for a wedding.  There are megabucks to be spent on a dress, on a reception hall, rings, invitations, food, a rehearsal dinner, flowers, etc. etc.  There is that fairy-tale event to plan amidst the family politics, differing ideas of parents and their adult children, distances between participants.  There are many people, their calendars, and their whims to choreograph into this big event.

The couple chooses a date, buys rings, and books a reception hall before they ever contact the church or the clergy.  Many couples shop around to find the church that is the prettiest, has the largest seating capacity, or is most convenient for the family.  For many couples, the church is business to be transacted only after the "more expensive things" have been booked.  And couples (or their parents) get very upset when a church is not available on the date they choose.  Or if the church is not open to their renting the building and bringing in their own officiant.  Or if there are premarital counseling sessions required by the clergy.  And especially if there are conditions the couple must meet to be wed in the church.

A lot of planning goes into a wedding.  But little thought goes into the marriage itself.  When a couple comes before me to be wed, I want it to be a faith based decision, a faithful covenant they are making, and a worship service of integrity in which these commitments are made.  I want to be sure the couple has the communication skills and a solid foundation in relationship building before they make those promises.  In a worship setting, the focus should be on God. In a marriage, the relationship is a three-some -- the couple plus God.  

Too often, the couple who asks me to marry them wants a fairy-tale transaction where there is a princess for the day, where everyone is in costume, where each plays a role as if on stage, and anything less than perfection is deemed to ruin the special day.  More energy -- and finance -- is put into the production than into planning for what happens after the honeymoon.  Too many couples have said to me that if the relationship doesn't work out, they'll just go their separate ways.  That's the point at which I would like to cancel the transaction.  

But, if that couple has a church membership (or is the grandchild or relative of someone who has a church membership), saying "No, I will not officiate at this wedding" can and too often does, lead to employment issues for the clergy person.  There could be openly known abuse in the relationship and still a major issue will be made about the pastor who refuses to marry them.  

Weddings have become secular rituals.  And clergy have been made into agents of the state.  It is the state who issues a "license" to marry which is necessary if one wishes for marital "rights" within the state or federal laws.  In other countries, the legal contract of marriage (and it is a "contract" even within the USA) is handled in the court house.  The couple goes to the legal authorities to have their relationship made official.  They then go to the church -- if they so desire -- for the blessing of that relationship and for making their faith covenant to one another in the presence of God and a congregation of faith.  I have no desire to be an agent of the state; I am a shepherd of those who seek to be faithful  (a little like herding cats most of the time).  

So long as these conditions are present in a wedding, I am being used for a secular purpose; I am not doing ministry.  I am serving a couple, not God.

A funeral, on the other hand, is an opportunity to care for people, to provide a ministry, and to support the faith of those who are in doubt.  The family of the deceased are not trying to create a stage production, do not shop around for the best price or the longest aisle, and turn to the faith community for support not service.  They don't spend a year perseverating upon the planning of the details of the funeral.  They don't spend thousands of dollars upon clothing, food, and other cosmetic and temporal details.  They are people at a loss who seek closure and comfort, not performance and perfection.  

No one questions why a funeral is planned with religious integrity.  There is no legal role for the officiant of a funeral to play.  There is no staging about which to argue, no rehearsal to choreograph, no extravagant reception to distract from the purpose. The focus is faith based.  In a funeral, I am doing that to which I am called and for which I was ordained:  Ministry.

Occupy Church!

Occupy.  It’s the “word of the year” chosen by the linguistic gurus at some international press organization.  You’ve heard it used in reference to Wall Street, Little Rock, or perhaps even Louisville.  To “occupy” is to employment, inequality, financial regulation, or whatever else comes to mind for those who “Occupy.” Their claim to be the 99 percent is so inclusive it actually includes anyone earning less than a half a million dollars a year  The movement was inspired by the Arab Spring movement that gave rise to so much tumultuous change in the Middle East.  That movement continues to protest the abuse of power, tyranny, extremism, and oppressive governance. 

Have you heard Mary’s song in Luke 1:46-55? 

“He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts. He has brought down the powerful from their thrones, and lifted up the lowly; he has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty.”

Or Hannah’s song in 1Samuel 2:4-7?

The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble gird on strength. Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry are fat with spoil. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn. …. The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low, he also exalts. 8He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor.

Both of these Biblical women sing about the lowly being raised up, the powerful being put in their places.  Isaiah, too, writes about the day of Jubilee when all debts are to be forgiven, the wealth redistributed, and the mighty made low.

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me; he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and release to the prisoners; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to provide for those who mourn in Zion— to give them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit. They will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, to display his glory.

Jesus, too preached about these things in his home town of Nazareth declaring that Isaiah’s prophecy ‘has been fulfilled in your hearing” (Luke 4:21)

My friends, it’s time for church members to join the Occupy movement.  Not on Wall Street, not in Little Rock, not in Louisville or Evansville, but right here at the corner of 10^th and Jefferson Streets in Tell City.  It’s time to take over your church.  It is time to state your concerns, your disappointments, your frustrations, your hurts.  It’s time to give rise to your hopes and dreams for you church.  It’s time for your voice to be heard. 

Six weeks ago, the Interim Assessment was published.  It reflects the issues and concerns that were shared with the Interim Committee over a 12 month period.  It lifted up benchmarks that need to be addressed before a new pastor is called.  It laid out some goals and objectives for a future direction.  Now it’s time for you to speak up.  Your input is needed.  Please plan to attend the Pot Luck dinner following worship on January 15 when we will discern the approaches to these issues. 

The Search Committee also needs your input as they assemble a description of the church.  They will be distributing two different surveys – one demographic by household, the other on the qualities of a pastor to be completed by each member – that will be integral parts of the congregation’s “résumé.”  When you receive these surveys, please complete and return them as soon as possible so the search for a pastor can begin. 

Occupy Church!  It’s time for you to influence the future of your church!  Occupy!

Carly

The Firefight for Life

Every year wild fires tear through neighborhoods and mountain parks. Most of these are started by the forces of nature: lightening striking water starved underbrush and trees and fueled by the winds which are created by the heat of the fires. All too often they are started by a human who has either been careless or who has a need to create a stir for their own needs for power. Both of these fire-starters would love to remain anonymous -- the former out of embarrassment or ignorance of their part in the problem, the latter so they can maintain control over their source of joy.

The fire in Utah this week is a striking example of what I call "consequential ignorance." The commander of the National Guard did not think about the consequences of firing live ammunition into a parched tinderbox of a training ground. There had been posted warnings about extremely high fire risk in that region. But the commander didn't apply it to himself or his troops. He had only in mind that the Guard had to complete the annual renewal of their skills. He only did what he's always done and what he felt was best for his people.

The consequences are enormous. Hundreds of people have been uprooted for their own safety. Homes have burned to the ground. The lives of a whole community have been injured, changed, pained. Firefighters are out there risking their lives to protect and save what they can of their neighbors' -- and their own -- homes. The very National Guard Troops whose leader brought on this disaster are the ones who have to put out the fires, clean up the mess, and bring aid to those whose houses and homes are at risk.

How similar are our struggling faith communities! They are a tinder box of raw sores waiting for relief and renewal. They are struggling for their very survival. The leaders of these communities are trusted with the daunting task of empowering, enabling, and encouraging the community members to be faithful to the mission of Christ. And along comes one who is either not paying attention to the weather conditions or is in need of a control fix. The spark ignites, and the community is aflame in a hurtful and destructive way.

In the midst of the drought of faith-life, our faith communities are at high risk of wild fire. Alarms and the warnings are ignored -- or denied-- by leaders and members alike, and too often work only to draw the attention of those who need control. Otherwise petty and routine issues cause explosive results that rage out of control. They are fueled by the winds of change and panic. They are fed by the drought of trust.

Here am I, a firefighter in the midst of a wildfire. I am hot, exhausted, and in need of a break in the weather. But the sparks are flying into new quadrants while the first fire is barely contained.

Most days I work despite the exhaustion and the seemingly impossible task of a healthy community. These days I am fueled by the hope and promise upon which my faith is built. I am fed by the cool water of visible grace and comforted by the encouraging hand of the Spirit.

But some days I just wish God grant this Body a quick and peaceful death so that I can move on to greener pastures where the risk of wildfire is very low. Some days the sparks are multiplying too quickly for any firefighter to extinguish. Some days the energy of the Spirit is snuffed out by the attitudes or carelessness of communities members.

Today is one of those days. In such times as this, all I can offer is a prayer as I turn everything over to the One who soothes, heals, energizes, enables, and empowers.

God, grant me the...
Serenity to accept things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that I have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of my past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for me and my love for others and the
Strength to get up and try again even when I feel it is hopeless.

May it be so.

Reclaiming Real Life.

I'm deactiviating my Twitter Account. And my Bebo account. And possibly my LinkedIn account. I might even put Facebook on hold for a week or so. Just to see what difference it makes.


I'm anything but Anti-Social-Networking. I love being able to pull up a screen and see what all my long time friends and acquaintances -- and my more than 70 neices, nephews, cousins, in-laws, and siblings are doing. But I'm wondering if this is a healthy connection. I'm wondering if it isn't superficial, pretentious, or a cheap fix. I'm wondering if I'm missing out on the deeper connections, the deeper listening, the deeper knowing. I wonder if I am really connecting with people or just brushing their sleeve as I pass them amidst a busy and distracted journey.


Don't misunderstand me -- Social Media is a wonderful place for me to put my 250 character thoughts as a witness to my moment on the journey called life. I certainly enjoy the quips and slices of life my connections share out here on the cloud. But these feel skin deep. I am missing the deep soaking rains of face time, the long cups of tea, and leisurely walks where the sinew and bone of life are exposed and examined; where tight and sore muscles in relationships are massaged; and where wounds are cleansed and dressed with gentle care. A computer screen cannot wrap its arms around you with joy, sigh deep sighs, or cry on your shoulder.


Maybe it's the resurgence of hot weather on this September day, or perhaps the distance between my work and home. It could even be that the sentimentality of Fall. What ever the source of the affect, I'm cutting the wires and renewing my claim on face time, on hot cups of tea, on long walks, and real life.


C

The Layers of Life

As I looked at the night stand, I wondered if it was salvageable. It looked ragged and worn, as though it had been through a battle. Scratches revealed raw red beneath the surface. Several gashes in the veneer reveal the old-style of plywood beneath.

This is the night stand given to us when we were married. It came to us well used. It was painted brown to refresh and renew it for our use. It had been in our homes for 26 years, carried through 11 moves, served as everything from a television stand to a dresser. It has lived a long life, served well in its role. It is time to retire it? Or will there be something beautiful and useful beneath all those layers of paint?

Drawers open, the workmanship is obvious: Dove-tail construction at all four corners of each. On the underside, paint splotches speak of some of the cover up time has dealt: brown latex covers a red, oil-based paint. One can only wonder what the wood grain beneath these looked like. Was the veneer finish sanded before that fire engine red oil paint was applied? Or was that step disregarded and the varnish left intact? The brown latex has peeled a great deal over the years; now I know why: Latex doesn’t adhere well to oil paint.

So again I wondered, “Is this tiny chest of drawers salvageable? Can it have a new life?” The only way to find out is to remove the layers of paint. Only then will the quality and condition of the wood beneath be known. Only then can its new future be revealed.

It takes a lot of patience to remove layers of paint. If one uses a traditional paint remover, there will be hours of careful scraping with a soft putty knife and then gentle scrubbing with fine steel wool. This is labor intensive and very harsh on ones hands. There is always the risk of scratching the wood beneath, or scraping off the veneer. Or, if one uses a “dip” or gel that simply “paints” on and changes color when the underlying layers have been softened, the putty knife will lift off the layers of finish very easily; however, if the veneer was sanded before applying that layer of red oil paint, the dip may also soften the hide glue that holds the veneer to the wood beneath. And regardless to the method of removing the paint, one has to be sure the wood beneath is worth the work of removing what covers it.

The time between pastors can be likened to my query about this nightstand. Evangelical church has undergone many changes over the years. Many layers of “paint” have been applied to what the founders of this congregation envisioned nearly 145 years ago. What was their vision? What was their purpose? What did they do as a community of faith and why? And what was the reason for the changes as they happened? How many layers of change have there been and what got covered over in the “remake.” Is there, underneath all the “stuff” that has happened, still a sustainable and promising future?

As the Interim Committee is formed and begins its work, we will try to gently lift the layers that years of use have applied to our community. We will be opening things up and listening to your stories as we interview members. We will be gently scratching off layers of old habits as we gather with you for Congregational Events. We will be looking for the beauty that peaks from beneath to reveal what God has in store for the congregation’s future.

My tiny chest of drawers turned out to be a real keeper. Its walnut veneer is beautiful and shines through its new finish; its sturdy construction promises to serve us well in a new way: as a focal point in our home. The work to reveal this new purpose was worth the steel-wool-raw fingers it took to bring it out. We are better off for all the hard work.

Our churches have some hard work ahead. There will be some rough spots to work through. There may be some sticky places where grace and gentleness are required. There will be some surprises at what beauty lay beneath the surface. And through it all, we will rediscover what God has in mind for this community of Christ in this place at this time. We will get through it by the grace of God and with God’s help.

Shocked and horrified.

I am shocked and horrified. One of my Facebook "friends" has been sexually harassing one of my relatives. The only thing the two have in common is my Facebook page. How did this happen? How could someone that I accepted as a contact, someone I have known in my life's journey, turn into a cyber-stalker and sexual fiend, someone who would go so far as to threaten to pay a visit to this relative if the relative dare tell me that the abuse was happening?
Further, how could this happen to two people on MY "friends" list -- when I am the one who keeps spouting on about how the privacy system on Facebook works well, that Facebook is a safe place for productive and meaningful communication?
First, let me say that I am appalled and dismayed that this has happened. I am absolutely disgusted by the behavior of this acquaintance toward a relative of mine. I would be disgusted if it hadn't been an acquaintance or a relative. The behavior reported to me by yet another relative is rude, lewd, disgusting, and just plain wrong. While I won't comment about possible legal action, the perpetrator is clearly in need of serious psychological counseling. This person, who has a family of his/her own, does know that what s/he is doing is immoral, unethical and flat out wrong. This person would undoubtedly be infuriated if his/her spouse or child was the recipient such behavior. Yet this person has continued to stalk and harass this member of my family.
So, how did this come to be? How did these two otherwise unconnected people ever make contact? Through my Facebook wall. My relative responded to a comment on my wall made by this person from my past. That person furthered the conversation through the Facebook inbox system. My relative responded in good faith; after all, if this person was a friend of mine, it must be safe to continue the conversation. The relative and this person established the Facebook “friend” status between them The conversation was not initially harassing or sexual, but this person became infatuated by my relative.
With “friend” status, more private information is available, including phone numbers and your address – if you are not careful to protect your information. With this information in hand, a person can contact you by phone, by text, by e-mail, and even – if you don’t protect the information – know where you live.
By the time I post this on my blog and in my Facebook notes, I will have contacted the person involved, expressed by disgust and anger, blocked him/her completely from my Facebook account and posts, and told others in my Facebook circle of friends of what has happened so they will be aware of the risk involved in choosing to “friend” someone they have never personally met. And my point in posting this at all is this: Protect you private information on Facebook by setting your privacy settings and being very selective in who you allow into your circle of friends. Learn how to make groups in your friends list and block those who might turn into your stalker.
And to this person who I thought I knew: please choose to get the psychological counseling you so desperately need, confess your wrongs, and make amends.