Torn and Mixed Emotions

I am torn.  If you scroll back through my posts here to 13 years ago, you will find a series of posts from a very painful time in my life and ministry.  So painful, in fact, that I had a heart attack and much illness from the stress of it.  That was a
dark night of the soul for me.

For all these years, I have worked very hard to forgive the person who instigated that pain -- with mixed results.  I have been able to let go of the anger and the pain, to stop letting these control me.  I have been able to move on and learn from the experience.  I have become a different person than I was.

But without resolution, with out justice being served, without this person being held responsible for the wrongs committed, there has not been closure.  It has remained a wound that breaks open and bleeds every time I've encountered this person, every time I've seen this person's name being exalted as a respected leader, every time I've run into a member of the circle of people who protect this person's standing in the community.

From time to time over these years I've encountered others who have experienced similar pain at the hand of this person.   There are between 15 and 20 of us, mostly-- but not all -- women, all professionals.  We were all told we imagined the abuse, that it is not possible that this person could be capable of such abuse, that we have exaggerated the situations.  All of us suffered professional consequences to voicing the abuse aloud.  Amongst us we have shared stories, tears, and anger that this person has remained all these years in positions of authority where they have been able to continue their abusive behavior.  We have comforted one another.  And we have strategized about how to remain outside of the circle of this person. We've remained a loosely organized group of people who know and acknowledge one another, stick together for safety when in gatherings where this person has been present. Largely, we have all moved on with a note of caution and an eye for spotting potential re-occurrences of the this type of abuse.

Progression by David Ho

"Moved on" is a key term.  We all struggle with a lack of closure of these experiences.  We all struggle with a need for justice to have been done.  We all struggle with the pain of this past.  But we step forward in faith refusing to let this pain, this person, define us or our calls and vocations.  Yet we all long for the justice that will bring closure.

We will never know that justice.  The person has died a very unexpected death, alone, and found only after death had fully taken them.  The accolades flowed like mountain streams in social media and in the press.  Expressions of grief and loss pour in from every corner of the church.  This person has become revered saint.

Of course no one will speak ill of the dead.  Of course I have deepest sympathy for the grieving family.  Of course I will not voice my own loss of possible justice.

Yet I am torn.  I have mixed emotions about this shock, this death, this lack of justice, this lack of closure.

And when from the service that celebrated this one's life I heard those words of benediction, "Well done, good and faithful servant," I stifled my guffaws, suppressed my gagging.  And continued on without closure with an old wound reopened.