Unfinished Work

I’m sitting at my laptop on a table with a calendar hanging over it.  The calendar sports several pictures from days gone by:  my husband and his sister singing in church at about age 12 or 13, my youngest son strumming a guitar, my husband reading a newspaper with a teddy bear under his arm, and my youngest son leaving the church amidst bubbles with his new bride on his arm.  

It’s the large picture in the center, however, that draws one’s eye first.  It is a smiling 3 year old, my first born son, who is eating freshly frosted sugar cookie.  Outside the window behind him, snow sits on the window sills and the snow on the roofs beyond the window is deep.  In the fore ground are unfrosted sugar cookies: the bottom of a snow man, a couple of candles.  By the turtleneck and long sleeves and the chapped lips on the child, it is clearly mid winter.  

It’s a memory I cherish of my oldest son’s earlier Advent seasons.  The enamel topped metal table and matching red chair upon which my son kneels reminds me of a different time when my children were so very small.  His baby teeth shine in his bright smile.  His eyes twinkle with joy as he “sneaks” a bit of a cookie he’s supposed to be decorating for Christmas.  

Those were very different times. Life was simpler.  The laughter of children in the house made a different atmosphere of daily living.  It was a harder life.  Our income level was only just enough on which to live without receiving welfare; we struggled to pay off our student loans.  It was a time of stress as we juggled the roles of young parents, freshly minted pastors, part time social advocates, and full time naïve young couple.  

As I look at this picture now, I long to tickle that little boy’s tummy with my fingers to hear him squeal with laughter.  I remember all the good times we had in that little house in Pennsylvania.  And it all feels like something I’d want to do again. 

Only I don’t.  Even if it were possible, I wouldn’t repeat those years.  Yes, I remember them fondly. Yes, I feel things were easier then.  But I wouldn’t want to repeat them because it would mean losing out on the experience of today. Today, when my sons are young adults exploring lives of their own. Today, when as empty nesters we have the joy of being able to pick up and go whenever we choose without regard to school calendars or nap times.
 Today, when I am wiser, more mature, and certainly a different person that I was 24 years ago.  Today, while a very different era, still offers its own joys, challenges, stresses, and—yes – sad times.  

I can’t go back; I am not the same now as I was then.  I can’t go back; it is not possible to turn my adult sons into children again.  I can’t do it over; I’m not young and spry, limber and energetic.  I don’t want things to be the way they used to be even if I’m not completely happy with how things are today – because I know in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t as happy then as my memories would like to lead me to believe.  

What is true in life, is also true in the church.  We can never again be what we once were because the world is not the same now as it once was and because you and I are not the same people we used to be.  We have grown older, (hopefully) more mature and more wise, and (hopefully) to a different place on our faith journey.  We can never again be what we once were because the world doesn’t need us as we used to be; Christ needs us in the world as he calls us to be for today.  What worked in the culture of yester-year cannot work in the world today.  

Friends, we’re not in Kansas any more.  We are in a new era when the Church is not dominate in culture (if indeed it ever was in our lifetimes), where the choices of belief systems have developed along side of our capitalistic, consumer based economy, and where people of faith struggle as an alien culture in a strange land.  

Working through the change of the church is constantly unfinished.  When we stop changing we die.  We must remain relevant to the ever-changing world in which we live.  And to do that, we must not focus upon the past or wish that we could repeat it.  Our focus must be on getting out of the church and listening to our neighbors and the strangers around us. The center of our focus must be upon God by living God's mission for this world: loving the world into restoration and reconciliation with one another and in union with God.  We must adapt our traditions so that they speak to the neighbor and the stranger.  And we must develop an attitude of mutuality with which to embrace those who choose to sojourn with us.  

May our work never be finished.  

The Real Threat to Traditional Marriage?

A couple of days ago, President Obama announced that his position on same gender marriage had evolved to one of acceptance of equal marriage rights.  Immediately the blasts came from all corners about this position. Prophesies about the "war on traditional marriage" fill the airwaves and the internet. And I have difficulty understanding this perspective. Has anyone looked at the state of marriage in this country lately?  Have you seen the statistics about divorce?  Really, if there is any threat to "traditional marriage" it is having a nonchalant attitude toward the permanence of the marriage relationship. 

Divorce rates are high.  Some should never have happened to begin with (see my previous post).  I understand why some marriages don't last.    Infidelity happens. People change.  I get that.  There are those who work hard to repair a relationship and just can't work it out for what ever reason.  We are all human and we fail at the perfection test.  

But, there are those who don't try to work at their relationships.  Specifically, I'm referring to those -- particularly certain public figures -- have been through many marriages that have ended in "irreconcilable differences." Is the pattern not obvious to these people?  If at first you don't succeed, learn something from your failure and get it right the next time.  I can't speak from experience here, I admit.  I just seems to me that if a certain celebrity newscaster has been through four failed marriages that there has to be something else going on besides "irreconcilable differences."  I'm just saying....

From this outsider's point of view, it would seem that to these people marriage is viewed as a disposable relationship. "If it doesn't work out MY way, I'll just walk away and pay the lawyers to get me a huge settlement" seems to be the sentiment of all together too many people. Yet certain, more public of these people seem to have the most to say about what threatens "traditional marriage."  Frankly, I feel they have no ground upon which to stand in this conversation. If they can't figure out how to preserve their own marriages, how can they make healthy judgements about what is a threat to "traditional marriage." 

For many, marriage isn't even in the vocabulary.  "Lets live together, raise children together, and avoid all the complications of marriage."  And really, who can blame them given the painful experience they had as children of divorce with one parent playing the kids against the other parent, using them as pawns to hurt the other, or even hurting the children as a means to get back at the other parent.  Without the commitment to permanence there is no marriage, let alone "traditional marriage."

So, with all the concern expressed about the fate of traditional "marriage," here is my response

.

If you want to preserve marriage, start with your own -- do you communicate well, negotiate differences fairly, treat one another with respect and dignity, and act as though you plan to spend your lives together, or are you in the marriage only until things feel uncomfortable? And, if you're concerned upon the effect a marriage has on family values, start in the same place -- practice these same values so your children will learn them and have strong marriages themselves. 

When I posted the first draft of these thoughts on my Facebook page, I started a firestorm of comments from my friends and relatives who have been through divorces and perhaps felt targeted by my comments about divorce.  I hope this clarifies from where I'm coming.  

To Wed or to Bury?

Most pastors would admit that they'd rather do a funeral than a wedding.  People ask why this is so.  Let me tell you my perspective.  

In much of my experience, weddings are occasions where the church is being used for a commercial transaction and not for a faith based covenanting ceremony.  As a member of the clergy, I am too often asked to be a servant of the couple and not a servant of God. 

When a couple decides to be wed, much is at stake.  Huge dollars go out to pay for a wedding.  There are megabucks to be spent on a dress, on a reception hall, rings, invitations, food, a rehearsal dinner, flowers, etc. etc.  There is that fairy-tale event to plan amidst the family politics, differing ideas of parents and their adult children, distances between participants.  There are many people, their calendars, and their whims to choreograph into this big event.

The couple chooses a date, buys rings, and books a reception hall before they ever contact the church or the clergy.  Many couples shop around to find the church that is the prettiest, has the largest seating capacity, or is most convenient for the family.  For many couples, the church is business to be transacted only after the "more expensive things" have been booked.  And couples (or their parents) get very upset when a church is not available on the date they choose.  Or if the church is not open to their renting the building and bringing in their own officiant.  Or if there are premarital counseling sessions required by the clergy.  And especially if there are conditions the couple must meet to be wed in the church.

A lot of planning goes into a wedding.  But little thought goes into the marriage itself.  When a couple comes before me to be wed, I want it to be a faith based decision, a faithful covenant they are making, and a worship service of integrity in which these commitments are made.  I want to be sure the couple has the communication skills and a solid foundation in relationship building before they make those promises.  In a worship setting, the focus should be on God. In a marriage, the relationship is a three-some -- the couple plus God.  

Too often, the couple who asks me to marry them wants a fairy-tale transaction where there is a princess for the day, where everyone is in costume, where each plays a role as if on stage, and anything less than perfection is deemed to ruin the special day.  More energy -- and finance -- is put into the production than into planning for what happens after the honeymoon.  Too many couples have said to me that if the relationship doesn't work out, they'll just go their separate ways.  That's the point at which I would like to cancel the transaction.  

But, if that couple has a church membership (or is the grandchild or relative of someone who has a church membership), saying "No, I will not officiate at this wedding" can and too often does, lead to employment issues for the clergy person.  There could be openly known abuse in the relationship and still a major issue will be made about the pastor who refuses to marry them.  

Weddings have become secular rituals.  And clergy have been made into agents of the state.  It is the state who issues a "license" to marry which is necessary if one wishes for marital "rights" within the state or federal laws.  In other countries, the legal contract of marriage (and it is a "contract" even within the USA) is handled in the court house.  The couple goes to the legal authorities to have their relationship made official.  They then go to the church -- if they so desire -- for the blessing of that relationship and for making their faith covenant to one another in the presence of God and a congregation of faith.  I have no desire to be an agent of the state; I am a shepherd of those who seek to be faithful  (a little like herding cats most of the time).  

So long as these conditions are present in a wedding, I am being used for a secular purpose; I am not doing ministry.  I am serving a couple, not God.

A funeral, on the other hand, is an opportunity to care for people, to provide a ministry, and to support the faith of those who are in doubt.  The family of the deceased are not trying to create a stage production, do not shop around for the best price or the longest aisle, and turn to the faith community for support not service.  They don't spend a year perseverating upon the planning of the details of the funeral.  They don't spend thousands of dollars upon clothing, food, and other cosmetic and temporal details.  They are people at a loss who seek closure and comfort, not performance and perfection.  

No one questions why a funeral is planned with religious integrity.  There is no legal role for the officiant of a funeral to play.  There is no staging about which to argue, no rehearsal to choreograph, no extravagant reception to distract from the purpose. The focus is faith based.  In a funeral, I am doing that to which I am called and for which I was ordained:  Ministry.